The Chicken Did It: Mass Effect
by bh18
Summary: Insanity as my pet chicken can somehow tear the universe a new anus and fling us to other dimensions. First stop, Mass Effect. Joy. M for brief mention of adult themes. None will be shown in detail. Warning: Use of logic will result in headsplosions.
1. In Deep With No Chips

The Chicken Did It!

AN: Yeah it's been a while but I've had a hard time getting back into writing so I'm doing some shorts. Keep in mind these are self inserts but for the hilarity of it.

Also New World's New Missions New Troubles is officially on hold. It was a spur of the moment deal with a poorly conceived plot. I'm sorry, I just need to flesh it out more. I won't leave you hangin' though so I'll post a short chapter resolving it.

Warning: Includes warping of the laws of psychics.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware and EA Games…for now.

* * *

Chapter 1: In Deep With No Chips

My day had started out normal, get up late then watch Supernatural for a bit and play games during. Afterwards I'd let out the chicken. Normal. Then I had this feeling to go out, in my duster with my computer in a pack and just hold Shadow, I named a chicken shut up, for a bit. Really should have fought back the urge. Next thing I know there's a flash of light and I'm flying through a vortex of some kind. I thought two things right then and there. 1. Only thing missing was the Doctor Who theme. 2. Wherever I went, at least I was wearing my new duster. Gotta look cool.

"Lo' and behold there's a light at the end of the tunnel." I say to Shadow. Been flying for 5 minutes now, nothing else to do after the fear and stomach drop wore off. Does this mean I'm going crazy? …Nah. "Well let's see what's on the other side shall we?" Shadow glows, and now that I think about it the flash was her too, and we vanish again.

* * *

"Why does it have to be a bright flash of light?" I mutter. "What's wrong with a simple fade in/fade out?" Ah the blindness was clearing up. I looked around to get a sense of where I'd ended up, and I was starting to feel very confused. I could immediately tell I was in a room, but not like any room I'd ever seen. Or was it? Something was setting off mental bells but I couldn't place it. I looked to my left and saw a desk with…a holo-comp? I didn't know the actual name but I'd always called computers with a holographic interface by that name. Terminology aside I was stunned. I look up, and the glass divider was filled with models. Space ship models. Ones I recognized.

"Oooh, John…" Someone moaned.

I do an abrupt about face and see a sight that will forever be burned into my mind. For better or worse? Jury's still out.

"Oh shit…" I whisper upon seeing _the_ Commander John Shepard and _the_ Tali'Zorah vas Normandy (Or vas Neema?). In bed…naked…in the middle of some hot human-on-quarian action. I probably stood there for 30 seconds, completely unnoticed by the two…until Shadow decided to squawk, quite literally and blow our cover.

"Oh shit." I try to cover her beak but too late.

The two lovers halt their…activities and take notice of me. First thing out of them was a yelp of surprise. I took the moment to imprint Tali's face into my mind, since it was completely unlike the Bioware design, as I would probably never see it again.

Second thing was a yell of rage and indignation from Tali…as she pulled a shotgun out.

"OH SHIT!" I grab the first object I could, a stack of papers on the desk, and threw it at the enraged quarian then bolted out of there. It seemed to work since I wasn't filled with buckshot, or whatever, the minute I ran. Now I was faced with a bigger problem though.

I was at a dead end, and it was only a matter of time before either Tali or John came through the door behind me with a gun at the ready. I had to act fast. First thought was the elevator, which lasted all of 1 second. Then another thought, there had to be vent up here right? Maybe? I could hear scrambling and yelled threats through the wall so, vents it was! But first.

"Curse this elevator!" I yell. Then open the elevator and set it for Deck 4 for good measure. Then hopped over the rails and ran along the hull. "Vent vent vent vent vent." I chant. The door opens behind me and I hear guns cocking. Not good.

Thankfully there's a space behind the elevator and it seemed Fate didn't want my ass yet, since there was a vent, right in front of me! No screws to boot! "Thank god for convenience." I whisper. I quickly open the vent and go in first, without the pack and Shadow. Pack second, chicken last and close the vent. I went still and held Shadow's beak shut as I listened.

"Where is he John?" I hear Tali yell, and she sounded _pissed_.

"I don't know Tali. I think he took the elevator though." John said.

'Good, my ploy worked.' I thought.

"When I find that bosh'tet I'm going make him pay for that!" She growled. Ouch, I don't even wanna think about it.

I sat there, listening for a bit on their conversation. Plenty of it being threats to my life. Then they told EDI to put an APB out on me. Great. After that they went back inside to, presumably, rekindle the mood. I took that as my cue to leave. Keeping Shadow ahead of me I started crawling through the vents.

* * *

Garrus sipped his dextro coffee as he read the report EDI recently sent out and he was frankly baffled. A stowaway while they were in port was minimal at best but they'd been in deep space for days. How was it that a stowaway was here and just now getting noticed? Usually there'd be complaints about food missing from the rations first, and unexplained sounds coming from someplace but none of that had preceded the alert. Again, baffling.

A thump and crash from the Mess got the turian's attention. It was 'night' so to speak so no one should be up. Not even Gardner stayed up this late. Though Grunt had raided the fridge before. Probably him.

Another crash followed by a human swear. "Definitely _not_ Grunt." He opened the door to take a peak. Someone was definitely there, and he didn't seem to be in uniform. Garrus drew his pistol just in case.

He slowly approached with the stealth skills he learned in C-Sec and his time on Omega. 3 meters away now and he almost had a clear look. All he could see was a brown coat of some kind…and a chicken on the counter.

"What?" He let slip.

The man jumped, grabbed the chicken and a handful of food, and ran. Garrus sprinted after him but as soon as he rounded the corner, he was gone. Just like that.

"What!" Garrus yelled.

"Garrus do you have to be so loud? A lady needs her beauty sleep you know." Kasumi joked from her open door.

"Sorry it's just…apparently the stowaway report wasn't so ridiculous after all." He said.

"A stowaway? Out here?" She asked.

"I just caught a glimpse of him, I think." Garrus replied. "Brown coat and…what are those pants called, jeans?" He ran over each detail in his mind as he told Kasumi. "And um…also a chicken."

"A chicken on the clothes?" Kasumi asked.

"No there was an actual chicken with him. Black and white. Clucked and everything." Garrus sighed. "Just, keep a lookout okay? I need to get back to work." Garrus took one step and heard something squish. Kasumi giggled.

"You should watch out yourself Gary." Kasumi left before Garrus could retort. He sighed and went to wash off the crap.

* * *

End of the first. Comments?


	2. In Which Feces is Mentioned

Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware.

Chapter 2: In Which Feces is Mentioned

* * *

**Time: 0800**

**Next Morning**

**Normandy Vents**

* * *

Coat: Check.

Backpack w/Electronics: Check.

Sunglasses: Double Check.

Shadow: Check

Food: Check.

"Okay." I rub my hands. "Let's take stock of the situation shall we?" I say to Shadow. The Hen clucks in response as she pecks at an ear of corn. Thank god for luxury rations. "First: Where are we? The Normandy SR-2 obviously but in space? Dunno." Probably should be concerned I'm talking to a chicken.

"Second: This is obviously in the Mass Effect 2 timeline if the Cerberus logos and proper lighting are anything to go by. Though by the looks of it this is before the Collector attack yet the romance is happening sooner than it should. Hmm, alternate universe from the game. This oughta be interesting." I ramble as Shadow clucks.

"Third: What to do now? Shepard and Tali are after my ass. In Tali's case, probably literally. I've already run into Garrus meaning I have a former C-Sec detective on us too. Peachy." I sigh.

"Bright side is they can't see us in the vents, I checked. No cameras or sensor devices, odd since I thought there would be some. Gift horse though, not complaining. Now…what to do." I sit there in the vent and ponder for a bit.

"Ah hell, let's go prank Miranda."

* * *

**Time 0815**

**Deck 3**

* * *

By this time of the morning the early shift was up and getting their breakfast. To everyone else it was standard. To the ground squad that attended breakfast they could sense the hostility emanating from Shepard and Tali. To those in the know it seemed obvious.

"Intimacy troubles?" Garrus joked. He really was glad the two were together and wished them the best but he had to play his role and make the jokes. Shepard leveled a glare at Garrus. "Just asking." He backed off quick.

John sighed. After the Stowaway left they had been able to rekindle the fire, but he and Tali were still bent on capturing the man. Though on the bright side their mutual anger had made their 'nocturnal activities' very…fiery. "Sorry Garrus we're just a little…mad I guess."

"Mad is an understatement." Tali ground out.

Garrus's mandibles twitched in the turian equivalent of an eyebrow raise.

"The shipwide alert I sent about the Stowaway? He was in my cabin while…" Shepard let him get the rest.

"The Chicken Guy was peeping on you?" Garrus said.

"Yeah he was…Chicken Guy?" Shepard asked.

"He was holding one and I know because I looked them up." Garrus said to answer any further questions. "He was in your cabin right as you two were about to…?"

Tali and Shepard nodded. "Come to think of it, he was holding a chicken. I hadn't really noticed then." Tali said. Shepard nodded in agreement.

"Why would a vagrant choose to bring a domestic fowl with him?" Thane commented. He had been there the whole time, simply choosing not to speak. "It would be a burden on space and resources. As well as its waste."

"Good point." Garrus said. "Doesn't matter since he seemed to vanish into thin air." All eyes on Garrus now. "I caught him in the kitchen last night swiping some food. He noticed me and bolted." He left out how he gave himself away. "Turned a corner and he was gone."

Thane went into a state of deep thought, which was interrupted by a yell from Miranda's quarters. Sure enough she came out and went straight for the Commander.

"Shepard we have a serious issue!" She said, practically beside herself.

"What is it?" John asked.

Miranda calmed herself into the professional expression she always wore. "I stepped out for one minute and I come back to find…" She couldn't say it. "Come see for yourself." She left without waiting for a reply.

Shepard went to follow her with Tali, Garrus and even Thane right behind, joining because of simple curiosity.

* * *

Everyone who was gathered around Miranda's desk was wishing they hadn't come there. The look of it was bad enough but the consistency and smell. Oh the smell was the worst.

"Keelah it's…I don't know what to say!" Tali complained. Her olfactory filters hadn't closed off quick enough to spare her the stench.

"Indeed." Thane remarked through his hands.

"How can something so small smell so bad?" Garrus asked, even though he never wanted the answer.

"Like I said Commander, we have a serious situation." Miranda gestured to the stinky, goopy, partially liquid yet deceptively small, turd.

John nodded in agreement. "We clearly have a pest on board." He leaned in closer to the feces even though he desperately wanted to leave and never return.

"Is it a coincidence that this happens right after that Stowaway disappears?" Tali said.

Shepard understood what she was getting at. "You mean the chicken right?"

As the conversation turned to possible entry points for the Stowaway and why would the chicken relieve itself right there on Miranda's desk, Thane had turned his full focus to the vent on the ceiling, his seasoned assassin mind determining the possibility of the Stowaway using the ventilation system as a means of transportation. It was incredibly likely considering his experience with the Duct Rats.

"Everyone." He said, bringing silence to the group. They followed his gaze and understood.

* * *

I really had nothing against Miranda, not until ME 3 at least, but the cold bitch attitude never sat well with me; primarily why I never talked with her much. Considering this was the ME 2 time period and she was still a cold bitch I couldn't resist.

It was hard to contain my mirth when I saw Miranda's reaction to Shadow's 'present.' It became even harder when Shepard, Tali, Garrus and Thane entered the room. Just seeing their expressions were hilarious, especially Tali and Garrus. The former because Tali had actually recoiled at the smell and the latter because I could see actual facial expressions, as opposed to the mandible twitches. All around it was funny.

I got a quick photo on my iPhone, on silent of course, and backed around a corner with Shadow to relive the prank without being discovered.

"This is gold, Shadow." I said to the Hen. "Only pulled a few pranks before but still!" I let slip a small giggle and put the phone away.

I was about to leave the area when a sound caught my ears, or rather a lack of sound. The chatter from below had stopped which had me curious. I peek around the corner to investigate why when a glimpse of green skin and black eyes had me pulling back.

"Thane…" I whisper.

This is bad. Thane was the worst possible person to catch me. If he even caught a glimpse of me, and it was almost certain he did, he could use his training and experience to determine where I'd most likely go in the vent system and set a trap, or chase me himself and put me in a corner. The odds were stacked against me so I did the only logical action, run.

* * *

I can't remember how far I had crawled through the vent, how many turns I'd taken or what deck I was on. I had lost my sense of direction while I tried to throw Thane off my trail if he did pursue, hoping the echo of the ducts would prevent him from tracking by sound.

I was coming off of my adrenalin high and could feel the ache in my limbs from my exertions; crawling through vents was harder than it looked. I stopped to rest for a bit, feeling I was safe for now.

I probably should have checked where I had stopped because the next thing I knew the grate above me have been pulled off and I was yanked out of the vent by a biotic field, the blue glow giving it away. I was spun around to face the pistol poised over my forehead by a tattoo covered arm.

"Well ain't this a fine kettle of fish." I say.

* * *

One more down! I'm gonna try and do a twice a week routine. Maybe. At the least it'll be once a week.

Comment!


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